Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how much I’ve matured, and I have to admit that I have a new found love for the woman that I am today. Looking back, I used to think that there were so many things that I would change about my past. Not having my father in my life and never really getting to know him that way that I deserved to, losing my virginity at a young age, getting married out of fear instead of being in love…the list goes on. Now, I’m not so sure that I would change anything. Things happen for different reasons, and over the years, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned even more about God.
One of the things I have a hard time with is being a single parent. It’s not something that I signed up for, but it’s definitely a card that I was dealt. I’ve always tried to take things in stride, so as to not let it bother me in a way that affected my children. Parenting is both demanding and challenging whether there are two parents in the home or one. There are times when my expectations of myself are unreal, and I fall short. Because my limited human capabilities never live up to the image, strength, and stamina of the super woman version of myself that I think I should be, I disappoint myself every time. I found myself putting in overtime as a parent trying to make sure that everything was taken care of. I kept going and going, until I was on E. A while ago, if you asked me, I would’ve said that I was running so hard for the kids. The lie detector test determined that was a lie. I convinced myself that all the hard work I was doing, was for my kids when in reality, it was for me. I thought I was doing it to prove to my kids that not having a father around didn’t mean they had to suffer and go without. WRONG. I was pushing harder to prove something to myself. I made up and believed this lie that if I worked hard enough to give them everything they wanted, and needed that the void and pain that they felt would go away. My plan was to keep busy because when I kept still, the silence was more like an alarm reminding me of their pain, which was also mine. As much as I want to forget, I’m reminded that I don’t have anyone to share certain things with. Their accomplishments in school, their personal victories, school dances, report cards, parent-teacher conferences, giving them advice on how to deal with peer pressure, arguments with their friends, and helping them make decisions that will effect them for years to come.
After the lights are out and the house is quiet, as I finally get the chance to wind down, I’m reminded in that moment that I’m single. No, you never really forget your relationship status, but when you’re single, some moments magnify your singleness more than others. I had a strong desire to love and to be loved. Memories. Some blurred and others so vivid, that I could step right into them. During a time when I thought that I knew what love was, everything was wrong. Not just the timing, but the person I was, the person “he” was, and the lack of knowledge that we had for exactly who God was and his very clear commandments for how we are to treat and love others. I walked away from that relationship being more confused, hurt, and angry than I was before I walked into it. After giving my heart to God, I look forward to being finally being able to love and receive love again. The same way that God loves us.
I remember my first encounter with God. It was such a beautiful moment he and I had. Little did I know, it was the first of many. That was the first time that I experienced his presence, peace, and love. Truly Indescribable. The more time I spent with him, the clearer my understanding of TRUE LOVE became. He made it so clear that even though I wanted certain people in our lives, my true fulfillment comes from him alone and not man. So many people say that God’s love is unchanging, and that he is faithful. I’m grateful to say that I’m experiencing it. I’m learning to trust in God, and I thank him for this season and my awareness of his presence as well. I’m not 100% sure that if things were different, if I was married, or if my children had active natural father’s in their lives, that we would know God and his love for us the way that we do. Intimately. I had to experience some things and lose some things and people along the way.
Funny, I never thought that I’d say this, but I truly am enjoying this single season. Instead of putting my trust, hope, and faith in a man or relationship, I look to God and I give him all my fears and concerns. I run to him. I’m teaching my children to do the same. Even though the heartache of a missing parent is still there, and at times me being only one person may seem like it’s not enough, they know that their Heavenly Father will provide their EVERY NEED. Teaching them to rely on him in every situation that they face along with continuously lifting them up to God is the best thing that I can ever do for them. It’s something that they’ll have and know long after I’m gone. I wont always be here with them, but God will. I thank God for all that he’s done and all that I know he will do. To others, it may appear that I have a family of 3. It is without a doubt, a family of 4. Me, Makaela, Ja’Corey, and God as the head. I’m grateful that I’m not raising them alone. It’s me and God, one day at at a time.
God is Love,